


when in rome

by WannabeMarySue



Category: One Piece
Genre: And by historical au i mean that i am referencing Nero, Crack, M/M, Wedding, vaguely historical au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 03:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WannabeMarySue/pseuds/WannabeMarySue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which historical accuracy really only matters to Robin, Zoro and Sanji are just dudes being bros, and Nami has to fix everything--as usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when in rome

"I still can't believe that shit-swordsman is doing this!" Sanji muttered, his teeth clenched around a freshly lit cigarette. He paced back and forth in the cramped room that they had been held captive in for what seemed like hours to the melodramatic chef. Worse than the waiting, was the terrifyingly awful fact that his beautiful, wonderful, perfect Nami-san was in the company of some insane pervert with only Usopp and Chopper to protect her. Not that he didn't trust them, he just trusted himself more. His pacing continued, back and forth, back and forth across the room.

"I can handle myself, goddammit!" he said louder, reiterating a statement he had been forcing upon anyone who would listen. He stomped his foot, uncaring of the dent he made in the ground. It wasn't his fault these barbarians couldn't make floors strong enough to handle his power.

"Don't go all diva on us bro!" Franky said in an ill attempt at a placating tone. It would have been more calming if he wasn't busy trying to hold in a snort of laughter every time he looked at the distraught cook.

"If Zoro hadn't stepped up...well-" Franky shrugged, and his short amount of self-control dissolved into non-existence as the snickering he had been trying to quell got the best of him.

"It isn't funny!" Sanji yelled before kicking the cyborg in the chest. Franky didn't go flying like Sanji had intended, but he did have to take a step back to steady himself again, and Sanji supposed that that was the best he could hope for right now. With another melodramatic sigh of frustration, he resumed his pacing, back and forth, back and forth.

"Well cook-san, even if the situation is...different...at least you know swordsman-san can handle whatever they throw at him. So you shouldn't worry." Robin said in that all-knowing voice that Sanji just adored.

He smiled warmly at her, spinning around towards his angel of beauty and perfection. But then, what she actually said hit him like a ton of bricks, bringing his swirling exclamations of love to an abrupt halt.

"Worry? Me? About the moss-head? Never my sweet Robin-chan!" Sanji adamantly told the archeologist. "I am simply angry that he felt the need to step in and save me! I didn't-don't need saving!"

Robin didn't say anything else, but in the privacy of her mind she did think that maybe, just maybe, Sanji's words had sounded a little hollow.

Sanji resumed his pacing, but abruptly stopped again when the red curtain that served as the door to their small room-cell was more like it-swished open. Nami, Usopp and Chopper were shoved roughly through the door, much to Sanji's fury. A calming hand from his lovely Robin-chan however stopped him from shattering the faces of the two guards that followed his three crewmates into the now very overcrowded room. Sanji settled for glaring at the two henchmen instead.

"Well," Nami said, hesitantly eying the guards flanking her on either side, "It's settled. Emperor Nero has accepted Zoro's challenge, but he is changing the rules."

"Rules?" Brooke asked from his perch on a small, cushioned ottoman. He had been sitting there quietly since they had first been shoved rather unceremoniously into the room. Perhaps he was bemoaning the fact that there was no hot tea for him to drink in this confusing situation. Or maybe he was mad because he had yet to find an opportunity to make a skull joke, and that just put an almighty damper on his mood.

"Well," Nami said, not quite meeting Sanji's single pleading eye. No matter how cold she could be, she didn't want to be the one to break Sanji's heart with this news. She plowed on, steeling herself for whatever the fallout would be.

"Zoro will be pitted against this societies best warriors in a fight to the death; if he loses...Nero gets your-handinmarriage," the last part was said very fast in an attempt to lessen the blow to Sanji's manly pride. The look of hatred and revulsion that crossed Sanji's face only made saying the next part even worse. If only for the fact that she and Robin would never hear the end of it after the inevitable outcome of the oncoming fight.

"But if Zoro wins," Nami continued, hiding the devilish grin that wanted to slide it's way onto her face, "well, um-this is the weird part, apparently their custom here is to give the victor the hand of whomever he is fighting to protect..."

"So," Franky said, no longer even trying to suppress his laughter, "what you're saying here is that cook-bro has to marry a dude no matter what! And if Zoro wins Sanji has to marry him?"

"Wha-how-no?! No! No, no, no, no!" Sanji chanted, childishly covering his ears and shaking his head. He would deny that. He was a man. A manly man. He smoked cigarettes and liked boobs and was a pirate. He was a manly man, and manly men did not marry guys.

"Yes," Usopp said slowly, fearing Sanji would come flying at him, legs blazing. When the cook only continued to shake his head back and forth in denial, he got up the courage to say, "he-er his majesty was very adamant that we not break any traditions during our stay here or he won't honor our agreement."

Sanji moaned some more and slid bonelessly to the ground. This was not the plan. This had never been the plan; he was a manly man after all. And, manly men didn't marry guys.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Tall warriors surrounded them on all sides, the sharpened tips of their spears pointed resolutely at the Straw Hat pirates heads. Or rather, what was left of the Straw Hat pirates. They had barely taken three steps away from the Sunny before the swordsman had gotten lost, and they hadn't bothered to send anyone to find him yet. He wouldn't be needed until it was time to carry supplies back to the ship, anyway.

Luffy was with them, technically, but he was still out cold from when he had messed with one of Usopp's half built weapons. Personally, Usopp had thought his knockout glove had worked much better than he'd planned.

Regardless of their missing swordsman and incapacitated captain, they weren't really worried. They had faced worse. So it was with casual ease that Sanji shifted his weight off his dominant foot, no need to prolong the fight, Nami-san and Robin-chan had to go shopping after all. Before he could make any move to kick anyone's face in, a rustling towards the back of the gathered guards caught his attention.

The warriors parted, stepping back to create a neat path towards to the pirates. A man walked slowly down it, his cape rustling around his ankles and scraping against the dirt road. He paused before them, a calculating look in his beady, black eyes. Casually, he lifted a hand up and ran it through the greasy curtain of hair that hung limply around his face, flipping it out of his eyes with a flourish.

"What a magnificent creature," he purred, his voice sliding like oil across their ears, "How I would love to take such beauty home with me."

Sanji bristled at the man's words and stepped in front of the two ladies, prepared to protect them from the man's searching, greedy eyes. But those eyes landed on him, drinking in his looks, and the power brooding just below the surface of his pale skin. Sanji shivered under the proprietary gaze.

"Get lost, ya pervert," Sanji ordered gruffly, ruffled by the man's attention. For once, Franky didn't say anything to defend the name of perverts everywhere.

The man smiled, and the disgusting want in that single expression soaked deep into Sanji's pores and left him wanting a shower very, very badly.

"I do believe I have finally found my bride," the man said to his guards, "Men, take him to my palace!"

"Oh hell no, you greasy old man!" Sanji shouted as he jumped backwards away from the man and his guards.

"You can't marry Sanji!" Chopper said in a panic, growing into heavy point despite his obvious fear.

"Yes I can!" the man had replied easily, the oily smile never leaving his face, "I am the emperor and this sexy, sexy young man shall be my bride!"

"I am not a woman!" Sanji protested with disgust, "Not that there is anything wrong with being a woman, they are the most beautiful creatures in the world." He was floundering, so confused that the words of praise that usually came so easily to his lips were turning to ash in his mouth.

"I know you aren't a woman..." the emperor replied with a sick smirk on his lips.

A scathing, disgusted retort had been fresh on Sanji's lips, but then a disgruntled shout from the midst of the guards stopped the words on his tongue. Breaking through their ranks, pushing them over with little regard to consequences was an extremely disoriented and incredibly angry looking swordsman.

"Where the hell have you been?" Nami cried, desperate for some help with the strange situation they had somehow landed themselves in. Although truthfully, she shouldn't have been surprised. Strange things happened to them much too often, even for the Grand Line.

"I was going back to the Sunny but you guys moved it!" Zoro growled, not caring about the guards that were now pointing their spears at him. He scratched the back of his neck and looked at his crewmates, then he looked at the guards surrounding them, then back at his crewmates. "What the hell did you guys do this time?"

"This crazy emperor guy wants to marry Sanji!" Usopp cried, too torn between laughing and crying at the desperate situation to embellish his statement with his usual extravagant lies.

"What?" Zoro said, the barest hint of a menacing growl creeping into his voice. Robin amusedly pinpointed it as jealousy, an emotion she never thought she would see on the normally stoic swordsman.

Zoro turned to the greasy haired man with a demonic look in his eyes and said in a voice that brooked no argument, "He refuses."

"Don't refuse things for me you shitty swordsman!"

"Do you want to marry this guy, baka cook?"

"Che, nevermind..."

The strange emperor was looking on with an amused expression on his face. He smirked, as if he had just put two and two together in his head and gotten five, then said, "I will not retract what I said."

"Then, I will just have to kill you," Zoro replied. He reached for his swords without hesitation, and they vibrated with bloodlust and anticipation in their sheaths.

His fellow crewmates just rolled their eyes and thought, not for the first time, that their swordsman was maybe a tad too bloodthirsty, even for a pirate.

"Ah, ah, ah...not so fast! You can't fight me! It is beneath my stature! But, I can offer you a deal, a challenge, percei..."

"Challenge?" Zoro perked up at that, and so did Sanji. They both very much enjoyed winning, after all.

"Yes, you fight my best warriors in our arena! If you win, this lovely specimen of a man can go free, if I win...well let's just say the wedding bells will be tolling soon!"

"Fine," Zoro grunted, the same menacing look in his eyes.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sanji shuddered at the memory of Zoro's eyes; the glare he had focused on the Emperor had been fierce, loyal. The kind of glare the swordsman usually saved for enemies that threatened their captain.

Sanji let out another sigh of frustration and looked up at his companions. They were all staring at him with looks of expectant curiosity stretched across their faces.

"What?" He asked exasperatedly, glaring at them all-except his lovely visions of perfection, he would never glare at them.

"Well," Chopper said, his tiny voice squeaking out of fear of Sanji, "W-what are you going to do?"

"I guess I don't have much of a choice," he replied, "I mean, I would rather marry the meathead than that greasy old pervert."

"Oooh! So you do like Zoro!" Usopp sing-songed. He barely ducked Sanji's kick of retaliation and cowered behind Franky in an attempt to escape Sanji's wrath.

"I do not like that stupid moss head! Well, I mean I am thankf-I mean he is not that ba- oh, nevermind!" Sanji protested in a high voice. He was very confused and his crewmates lack of sympathy wasn't helping.

Heavy footsteps echoed down the hallway outside of their room, slowly growing closer. They quieted down and faced the room's curtain-covered opening, anticipation hanging heavily over the pirates. The curtain was drawn back and a guard stepped through the opening into the room.

"His eminence would like you to join him in his private viewing box for the festivities."

They glanced around at each other, but before anyone could say anything Nami stepped forward with a nervous giggle.

"Come on then! We can't keep the emperor waiting!"

Sanji let out one last frustrated sigh. "No, I guess we can't."

They all filed out of the room with Usopp bringing up the rear, dragging their still unconscious captain behind him.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arriving in the balcony that overlooked the huge, oval shaped arena, the Straw Hat crew quickly claimed the seats farthest away from the golden throne that sat in the dead center of the spacious box. Lounging on the throne, lazily eating fruit was the Emperor.

Next to the ornate throne sat a smaller less gilded one. And Emperor Nero was excitedly motioning for Sanji to sit in it. Glaring at his crewmates stifled snickers, Sanji fought down the blush that was threatening to creep up his neck and stomped over to perch on the edge of the seat.

"Good, good!" the Emperor said with a creepy smile before turning to address the crowds that had gathered in the stands that surrounded the arena, "We are gathered here today to watch as this man, Roronoa Zoro, fights to the death for the hand of my possible bride to be, Black Leg Sanji!"

Hoots, whistles and hollers rose up from the stands as well as one very prominent, "I never agreed to that!", and Sanji just sunk down lower on his throne, embarrassment painting his face bright red.

In the arena below, five warriors stepped out from hidden recesses in the walls. Dressed in simple leather armor and armed only with a sword and shield each, they formed a loose circle around Zoro.

Zoro can take down people like that no problem Sanji thought to himself, yet he still found his hands shaking ever so slightly. To calm his nerves, he lit another cigarette and clenched it tightly between his lips. With nicotine calming himself internally-addiction symptons and all that, like Chopper always yelled about-his hands found a severe lack of anything to occupy them. He clutched at the thrones armrests and stared down at the fight below with apprehension. Robin was the only one who noticed their cook's apparent unease.

Below them, the fight was in full swing and the warriors were not holding back. Expertly wielding their heavy swords, the warriors strategically worked together to rain deadly blows down on the swordsman while still keeping their own defenses up. Not deterred, Zoro blocked each jab with his own unique santuryuu style with ease. Sanji smugly noted that Zoro wasn't working nearly as hard as he did when the two of them fought. Zoro crouched down, waiting for the warriors to come to him, like a spider catching flies in a web. He angled the two swords in his hands and sliced them through the air, effectively incapacitating two of his opponents. The crowd gasped in awe and horror as the two bodies thudded against the ground.

The fight carried on, Zoro and the three remaining warriors trading blows, but neither side gaining the upper hand. With the fighting not enough to distract Sanji from his own thoughts he slowly spiralled into a mental whirlpool of self-doubt and despair. A light pinch on the arm startled him out of disgustingly domestic thoughts of a fat Zoro drinking beer on a couch while he cleaned up around him. Sanji shuddered, shaking all remnants of that God awful train of thought from his mind. He shot a grateful smile Robin's way, she just smiled back mysteriously, her eyes twinkling with amusement at some hidden secret.

Nothing was going to change, even if they did get married. They'd just get off this wack job island and pretend like it never happened. Simple as that. But then again, despite how simple-minded the marimo head was, nothing with him was ever simple.

Sanji focused on the fight in the arena below, where, unsuprisingly, Zoro had cut down another opponent, leaving only two warriors left. They circled the swordsman warily, looking for chinks in his figurative armor. Zoro simply crouched in front of the two, unperturbed. Finally, in one last-ditch effort to defeat the swordsman, the warriors went lunging onto the offensive. The one on the left leaped forward and faked to the right. No doubt Zoro had anticipated this, which would explain why he was already in position to block the blow, but Zoro and Sanji both saw-just a moment too late-that he was not ready for the second warrior, who dived into the opening made by the first man. He sliced his blade down Zoro's left arm, tearing open the hardened muscle on his bicep. The huge gash immediately started dripping blood, and soon, Zoro was drenched in the vermillion liquid as it ran down his body to mingle with the half dry blood that had already drenched the arena floor around him.

"That bastard," Sanji muttered, his left foot twitching. Robin was the only one who noticed Sanji's small outburst. The other Straw Hats had all been drawn into a rather riveting card game. Something that involved people shouting bullshit a lot; all betting was led by Nami, of course.

From the look of minor annoyance on Zoro's face, it was obvious he was so over the fight. And, with an almost nonchalant grace, he leapt at his assailants and cleanly slashed two of his katana across their chests. He landed behind them, sheathed his swords and began walking away, not even looking back to watch as the two lifeless bodies thudded to the ground already awash in blood.

Beside Sanji, the Emperor chuckled.

"It seems we have a winner! Well, we will still be have a wedding tonight! Just not mine I guess!" he cried apparently still happy, regardless of losing Sanji. He picked up a large bell that had been resting next to the bowl of fruit on the table beside his throne. He rang it three times, a mysterious smile on his face.

Several scantily clad women came bustling through the the archway that led to the balcony. They swarmed around Sanji, giggling and tittering as they reached out to delicately finger his hair and feather him with light touches.

Sanji's eyes dilated, his nostrils flared and his heart just about ripped itself out of his chest from thumping so hard.

"Oh, my dear, beautiful, magnificent angels! What could I have possibly done to be graced by your amazing presence?" He cried, almost biting his cigarette in half in his excitement.

One of the woman-a brunette with positively luscious breasts- stepped forward and said with a giggle, "We're here to prepare the bride!"

"Oh, of course, my beautiful angels! Wait! Why am I the bride and not that shitty marimo?"

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zoro watched as Sanji was drawn out of the balcony by a group of giggling girls. He was still standing in the arena, his back to the slain warriors. The emperor had disappeared from his throne, and the other Straw Hats were standing on the edge of the balcony waving down at him. Luffy was yelling something unintelligible; Zoro shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. He had no idea what his captain was trying to shout at him.

Growling in frustration, Luffy secured one hand firmly on the balcony railing and reached the other behind him to grab ahold of as many of his crewmembers as possible. There was an indignant shriek from the pirates he had managed to grab, but he paid it no mind. With a loud whoop, he went rocketing off the balcony, Franky, Usopp and Brooke in tow.

Nami, Robin and Chopper watched them go flying with amused expressions, all three extremely grateful that they had evaded their impatient captain's grasp. Chopper squirmed in Robin's grasp-the only thing that had saved him from a similar fate-and dropped down to the ground.

"C'mon" He squeaked and raced off towards the stairs, eager to join his crewmates down below. The two female pirates followed after the scampering reindeer, the amused expressions never leaving their faces.

Zoro was now sitting on the dusty arena floor, listening to his captain chatter a mile a minute about a wedding feast with lots of meat. Usopp, Franky and Brooke were still lying on the ground, glaring at their unperturbed captain.

When Nami, Robin and Chopper finally joined them, the boys had managed to arrange themselves in a semicircle on the arena floor for an impromptu crew meeting.

"So, let's get the facts straight," Usopp began before pulling a pad of paper out of his bag. He produced a pencil from his mass of curly hair and began to tic things off of the list as he said them.

"Zoro won the fight." Tic

"Sanji went off to be prepared for the wedding as the bride." Tic

"We need to get Zoro presentable for the wedding." They all looked at where Zoro was lounging on the ground, Chopper busy fussing over the gash in his arm. He was covered in dirt and blood, and his hair was a spiky mess. Usopp circled that sentence several times.

"Zoro and Sanji get married without killing each other or destroying the island." No check mark next to this one either.

"Finally, we get the hell off this island and never return. Ever." Usopp put a giant star next to this one, and circled it several times, just in case.

Usopp looked around the circle at his crewmates, waiting for their input. Everyone else looked at Zoro. He smirked, then grimaced as Chopper yanked the final bandage tight around his bicep.

"So, that shit cook has to be the bride? They gonna make him wear a dress too?"

Nami grinned evilly at him and asked, "You into that kind of thing?"

"What?" Zoro blanched, "No way! I just-I thought it would be funny, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say." Nami replied, the same evil smile stretched across her face.

"So, you're totally okay with marrying Sanji?" Usopp asked warily, preparing to leap behind Franky if needed.

"Well, if marrying him is the easiest way to get off this island, then I guess I can do it." Zoro replied with an uncaring shrug.

"Che, you're just doing it because you're gonna get free booze at the after party," Franky said with snort.

Zoro looked off to the side, but didn't deny the statement. He wasn't much of a liar anyway. Then, something occurred to him. He turned to Luffy, suddenly very serious.

"Captain, if I have to go through with this, then, will you be my best man?"

"Of course!" Luffy replied, as if it was the easiest decision in the world, "As long as there's meat at the wedding!"

There was a collective sigh from the other pirates, but no further reaction, because by now, they were all very used to their captain and his meat obsession.

Nami stood up abruptly and dusted off her shorts.

"I think I'm gonna go pay Sanji a little visit," She announced, "I mean, if Zoro has a best man, then Sanji is surely going to need a maid of honor, right?"

With a smile that promised she would be getting a fair amount of money out of this ordeal, she turned on her heel and began to walk away. With a smile and a wave at the other pirates, Robin stood up as well and joined the navigator, leaving the boys to get Zoro ready for his wedding.

The boys sat there, quietly contemplating Zoro's physical appearance.

"It's hopeless," Ussop announced, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

"Maybe a shower would help?" Chopper suggested, eyeing the swordsman's grime encrusted body.

"Shut up both of you!" Zoro growled, "I don't need to get all dressed up for some stupid wedding." He laid back and crossed his arms behind his head in the universal sign for Zoro's-about-to-take-a-nap-and-if-you-bother-him-h e'll-chop-you-up.

"But-" Chopper protested.

"No." Zoro grunted, then promptly began to snore.

"Nobody said anything about him needing to be awake to get ready," Franky suggested with a mischievous grin.

"You know, you're right," Ussop replied in the same creepy tone.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sanji was in heaven. Absolute heaven. A swarm of gorgeously curvaceous women were currently fawning all over him. The only thing that would have made it better was if they weren't helping him get ready for his wedding. To Zoro.

"Oohh! I am so jealous of your flawless skin, Sanji-kun!" One young woman trilled, spreading a light cream on Sanji's fair skinned face.

"Oh my dear! My sea weathered skin pales in comparison to your glowing complexion!" Sanji crooned back. Nami made a retching sound from her seat on a chaise lounge near Sanji. All of the "bride's" helpers turned and glared at her in reproach. She just stuck her tongue out at them. Sanji wiggled around in his chair, ecstatic at what his deluded mind thought was jealousy from his beloved navigator. Robin giggled quietly, hiding her smirk politely behind her hand.

"As I was saying, Sanji-kun," Nami said, waving off the native girls' glares with a breezy twirl of her hand, "I am very honored that you have accepted me as your maid-of-honor on your wedding day!"

"I would much rather you be my bride rather than my maid-of-honor," Sanji replied with a pout-although he would never admit that it was a pout, because manly men didn't pout.

"Oh, really?" Nami asked with a wiggle of her eyebrows. "Are you sure about that?"

Sanji was aghast. Only his beautiful Nami-san would have the audacity to ask such a question.

"Nami-san, you couldn't possibly be implying that I would rather marry that lump of moss over you!"

"I don't know, Sanji-kun, am I implying that?" Nami replied with another adorable wiggle of her eyebrows.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The gaggle of native women pampered Sanji for several more hours before finally releasing him for the wedding. The boys tried their best to make Zoro as presentable as possible, despite his tremendous efforts to stop him. In the end, after Usopp had veto-ed Franky's suggestion of a black speedo and bow tie-and nothing else- and Luffy's meat suit idea, Robin returned with a freshly pressed tuxedo, much to the sniper's joy.

It took several of Robin's arms, a minor skirmish involving Luffy and some tabasco, and Franky threatening to drink all the booze at the reception before Zoro could get any, before the swordsman finally agreed to don the tuxedo. After he had put it on and Robin had tied the bow tie, they all agreed he didn't look half bad dressed up. Robin personally thought that Sanji would lose it the minute he saw the Zoro in the tuxedo; he really did clean up well, after all.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It looked as if the entire city had turned up for Zoro's and Sanji's wedding. The whole concept of "homophobia" seemed to have never even occurred to the island's population.

The palace courtyard had been transformed in mere hours for the ceremony. Rows of delicate chairs festooned with miniature bouquets of white, blue and green flowers had been set up in rows before the altar. Brooke was already seated at the grand piano some islanders had retrieved from the Thousand Sunny.

Sanji waited off to the side, hidden in a crevice beside the aisle. Franky stood with him, waiting to walk him down the aisle in place of Zeff. Once everyone was seated, Brooke started his own rendition of the classic, "Here Comes the Bride". Sanji peeked his head around the corner and stared up at the alter. Zoro stood there with Luffy, waiting for Sanji to start walking. He looked amazing in his tuxedo, Sanji grudgingly admitted to himself. It was perfectly tailored to his muscular build, and the bow tie matched his green hair perfectly.

Franky tugged impatiently on Sanji's arm, eager to get him down the aisle. Sanji shot the shipwright a glare, but began walking. It seemed as if time itself slowed down, the music warped and shivered almost halting altogether as Sanji walked. He saw his other crewmates sitting in the first row, smirking at him as he walked past. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, Zoro's look of pleasant surprise, Luffy's beaming smile-everything that is, except his own footsteps. Those seemed fast, too fast.

It was at that exact moment in time, as he was finally standing next to Zoro, whose mouth was hanging slightly agape, that it hit Sanji like a sea train. He was going to have to kiss Zoro. In front of everyone, his beautiful angels of the sea, his crewmates, everyone. That's when he noticed his palms were sweaty, and his collar that had fit perfectly moments ago was now itchy and just a tad too tight.

The two pirates stood side by side facing the priest. Quite frankly, they were both a mess. Not that anyone besides the Straw Hats could tell of course. Sanji, with his infinitely more refined personality, was casually standing at the altar, hands in his pockets. The only give away that he was in mental turmoil was the unforgiving clench of his jaw and the ice cold stare he leveled at the priest.

What Zoro lacked in refinement and poise he made up for in intense amounts of bestial savagery. Therefore, he stood his ground before the priest, glaring at the poor holy man with all the might of the devil himself. That the priest had gotten this far without breaking down in tears was a magnificent feat in and of itself.

They were both too busy suppressing feelings that the entire crew had already felt running rampant around the Sunny for months that they almost missed the part where they were supposed to say I do.

Sanji had barely choked the two words out before the reverend was hurrying on. Zoro grunted "I do", moving his inhuman glare from the priest to Sanji, who returned it in equal measure.

"You may now kiss the brid-er groom-um man...you may now kiss the man," the reverend said, mopping at the sweat that was beading on his brow.

There was a pause, a slight hiccup in time as everyone collectively held their breath. Either the two would refuse to kiss and subsequently combust from the sheer sexual friction rubbing between them, or the pressure would finally abate as they shared their first kiss.

Suddenly, time couldn't move slow enough, because Zoro's lips were on Sanji's, and oh god it just felt so right. They were rough and hot and everything a woman's lips weren't, and Sanji didn't even care. They molded perfectly to his and Zoro tasted like metal and mint and alcohol and it was such an amazing combination, a flavor Sanji would never be able to recreate in the kitchen, no matter how hard he tried. And then it was over. Zoro had stepped away, a faint blush coloring his cheeks, and god damn it all if that wasn't the cutest thing Sanji had ever seen.

And now Sanji was questioning everything he had once taken for granted in his life. Everything that he had thought was a constant suddenly became a variable, all because of that damn marimo.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was like someone had pushed fast forward as soon as the wedding ceremony ended. People were jumping up, Brooke seized control of the band and Luffy had an exuberant charge towards the buffet. The reception party was in full swing. But, Sanji and Zoro had been left out of the loop.

One moment the emperor was there, congratulating them both, even coping a few feels, obviously not honoring their newly married status. Then Zoro was taken away, off dancing with some pretty girl. And then Nami was there, dancing and congratulating him and his slight jealousy was completely overrun by Nami-san's beauty. Then Luffy was there, a steak clutched in one hand and a chicken wing in the other. He yelled something about a meat bouquet before disappearing into the crowd.

Confused and alone in the crowded after party, Sanji sought out a quiet corner to sit in and drink. When he finally found one a suitable distance from the drunk party goers, it was already occupied by his husband. The word tasted ashy and strange and settled crookedly in his head.

"What do you want, shit-cook?" Zoro mumbled around a mug of sake. He gulped some down and wiped his upper lip with the back of his hand.

"Nothing, 'm just looking for a quiet place to drink, stupid marimo," the insult was only half-hearted, and when Sanji sank to the ground opposite Zoro, the swordsman didn't make any complaints.

"I thought you would be enjoying the attention from all the ladies," Zoro said instead, hoping to get a rise out of the cook. That at least, would bring some normality and routine back into their upside down and sideways evening.

Sanji didn't bite, much to the swordsman's dismay.

"It isn't like I can do anything with them now...I am a married man. Even if it is just you." He said instead with a frustrated sigh. He chugged some white wine from the bottle he had been carrying around all evening. Despite his best efforts to drain it, it never seemed to empty.

"It isn't like we will be married for long. As soon as we get out of here and onto the next island we can file for a divorce."

"You really want to get rid of me that quickly moss head?" Sanji asked, mock hurt filling his voice.

"Well," Zoro said rubbing the back of his neck, "unless you don't wanna..." A faint blush had settled across the bridge of his nose and Sanji was at a loss for words for several seconds, because god damn it, the muscle head wasn't supposed to look adorable. Wasn't that against the laws of physics or something?

"No! I do want to," Sanji cried, when he regained control of his tongue. "Well...unless you don't want to."

"Oh this is stupid!" Zoro huffed, chugging down the rest of his sake.

"Don't tell me you didn't feel it!" Sanji said suddenly, "I saw it in your eyes!"

"Feel what?" Zoro said gruffly, starring quizzically into his empty mug as if wondering where all his booze had gone.

"When we kissed," Sanji said, climbing onto his hands and knees to creep closer to the lounging swordsman, "if felt amazing didn't it? I mean, the way our lip-err, this is awkward, isn't it?"

"Just a little shit-cook. But I guess we have to talk about it, don't we...we are married now."

"We do have to talk about it! I'm not going to just sit here and pretend like the only relationship we have is one where I kick your ass and you annoy the shit out of me." Sanji shouted. He hiccuped afterwards, but refused to admit that he might be slightly intoxicated, not when that stupid marimo was barely showing signs of inebriation.

"You? Kick my ass? In your dreams, shit-cook!" Zoro scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"You wanna do this? Because I can kick your ass anytime!" But before Sanji had a chance to, he found himself otherwise preoccupied. With Zoro's mouth.

"Damn," he mumbled without meaning too. Zoro merely smirked before deepening the kiss. And he really was good with his mouth, tongue especially; maybe it came from always have that sword in his mouth. Sanji didn't really care about the why though, he just cared about the now. And the now was feeling really fucking good.

Zoro's tongue had slipped passed his lips and into his mouth, caressing Sanji's cheeks and wrestling with his tongue in a fight for dominance. Sanji tasted the same mix of mint and metal and alcohol and he lost himself in that flavor that was just so Zoro.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zoro smirked at the panting cook that was currently straddling his lap, Sanji's forehead pressed against his own as they both caught their breath.

"You know..." Zoro began, after he had caught his breath, "tonight is our honeymoon..."

"Are you hinting at what I think you are hinting at you perverted marimo?" Sanji asked with a smirk.

"I am not the pervert here, love-cook!"

"Whatever," Sanji said with a smile before diving back in for another kiss. Zoro's hands slid over the cook's thin hips, pulling them closer to his own, feeling the cook's growing erection rub against his own half hard member through the rough material of their pants. He moaned into Sanji's mouth, and rolled his hips upwards craving more of that heated friction.

He slid greedy hands up Sanji's untucked dress shirt, running them shamelessly over his well-toned abs and up to his pecs. Smirking into their kiss, Zoro ran the pad of his thumb over Sanji's nipple before pinching and tweaking the bud into a hardened state. Moaning, Sanji pulled Zoro closer, wanting more. Zoro was more than happy to comply.

Just as he was unbuttoning the last button on Sanji's shirt, a gasp sound from behind them followed by a triumphant "I told you so!"

Guiltily, the two newlyweds turned around to face the rest of their crewmates. While all the men stared with various faces of shock at the scene in front of them, neither Nami nor Robin seemed at all surprised to find Sanji straddling a disheveled looking Zoro.

"Pay up," Nami demanded, reaching out a hand. Sighing, everyone but Robin dug into their pockets and produced varying amounts of money.

"Wait," Zoro said, "you bet on us?"

"Of course! It was just a matter of time before you two released all of that sexual tension!" Nami stated with an evil grin.

"Oh my poor Nami-san! And Robin-chan! I am so sorry that you had to see that!"

"Oh it is quite alright cook-san!" Robin said placatingly.

"So, can we get back to our honeymoon now?" Zoro asked impatiently, tugging at Sanji's shirt.

"What?! Is that all you can think about?" Sanji cried back, swatting away Zoro's hand.

"Uh, yes."

"God damn it, marimo."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments keep a writer writinget :)


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